I wanted you like my next breath.. (Guest Post)

You ask why I never write about you. My words are too weak to convey what my brain can not comprehend. It’s as though I was born the day I met you, nothing before then held any consequence. I shut my eyes as often as possible and see you each time I blink. You’re bathed in soft light, like a tender scene in a movie, goodness bears your name.

In the curve of your shoulders are my kisses, or at least they should be there. I watch your delicate neck as you speak, your words are muted as I track the beat of your heart, the pulse of your vein. I lay next to you, cradling heaven itself in my arms. In the middle of the night I wake to check your breathing, just to make sure I have a reason to wake up at all. I want to make you a simple, fallible thing– but angels even on earth are still angels.

I want to be perfect, but reflected in your eyes I see my flaws. I resent you for that, because you make me feel small, powerless…

It’s your name that bounces in hearts of old married people. It is your name that warriors shout to protect their home, the people they love. Your name brought fire to this planet, made Pharoahs bow and Warlords beg.

You come home, take off your shoes and go about your night. Your are my re-occurring miracle, proof that love created this world. Only this power- boundless and wild- could build all of this beauty I see.

There are times I cannot understand you. Your words have a hundred meanings, because each one means so much to me. If I were honest with myself and with you- every sentence I speak would start with “I” and end with “love you.” Maybe then you’d understand the madness you cause in me.

It’s your kindness that disarms me. Your heart is so large it beats out of your chest. I’m reduced to a barbarian looking for a branch to ward evil away. In another time, I’d pick up a sword and shield to protect that. This world is too cruel, something so beautiful should never feel pain. I’d offer my very being up to keep you from hurting.

Our fights are about nothing, mostly because I think about losing you. I lived my life thinking my love was a vestigial organ. Useless, it should have fallen off an eternity ago. With a single look, you brought it back to life. You smiled, shyly and just that easily, captured half of my heart, locked it into yours and I’ve been trying to get it back ever since. Maybe that’s why I am so incensed by you. There is a gaping hole in my chest- I have to draw you close to fill it. That’s where we connect. If we were drowning, I’d empty my lungs into yours. If all that was left of me was that single breath, my entire life would have been a full one….

So forgive me when I aggravate you. Please know that on your worst day, you’re always the best part of mine. I love the very air you breathe, each tear you shed. You are my miracle. Please know, every second since the day we met… know that it is your name that fires in each chamber of my heart.

L. Jean